Finding Myself in this Hazy Weather

You know, to be honest, I don't like this time of adolescents at all~. Being a teen is baffling.You're too old to be a child, but too young to be an adult. And during this time of confusion, you have to be able to find yourself as well. The worst part of it is that when I was a child, I thought I already knew myself. Now, I'm told that I haven't discovered anything at all? Whenever I think about stuff like this, I come to all sorts of conclusions about myself. Afterwards, I feel pretty accomplished, but only to find out two weeks later that I've changed into a different self. And I have to go through how many years of this nonesense? LOL. Not sure what to do about this, so my only solution is to blog! haha XD.

Okay, so far in my life, I've established that I'm a fun and happy person with a weak sense of will power. LOL. I've also confirmed that I don't really have the face or know-how on being one of those cute-sy Asian girls. Like have any of you realized that Asian girls are really really cute-sy? o3o. I'm asain, and like.... I can't be cute at all. I'm more of a "HAHA. That's adorable. Nice try, kid *pat pat" kind of cute. LOL. Thus, with this kind of mentality, I have become witty and coolsies and perhaps, a little bad ass-ish(?) :'D.

BUT HIGH SCHOOL HAS DESTROYED THE LOGICC about myself.

LOL because lately, I've been trying to act cute ;A;. Like not neccessarily trying, just have been. I think it's because all my guy classmates have like suddenly realized that I'm not some scary smart lady, so they've begun to tease meh D; In the beginning of the year, I was like quiet and proper during class, and everybody had this idea that I'm some super ingenius person who's way above their level. LOL. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? XD Stupid lil' meh was seen to be smart? Haha, then I started doing group work with people, and everybody was like "OMG. Emiko is just like meee." LOL. And somehow that gave invitation for boys to be messing with me ;A; because apparently, I'm really fun to tease.
So my natural instinctual protection sequence is to act cute and be like "Stahpp it~. You're being a meanie pants~." AND IDKY. LOL. Like what the fuck is a meanie pants? XD. It's like "MHMM. That's right. Your pants are mean~!" no. That just doesnt work o3o.

OH! And aside from trying to handle attention in less retarded ways, I've started talking like real ghetto-ish. LOOL. I'm just like "This ain't gonna work no more" or "That guy be cray cray." But a wannabe-cute, witty, comical chic can't be talking ghetto. It doesn't work that way ;A;.

I believe this is what one would call "finding oneself." Eughh. D; Harr.

Lately, I've been upset though~ because all them stupid ass boys be picking on meh D;
Like apparently, I'm not a girl to them, but still a girl. A girl leaning toward the manly side. or something like that LOL. And it's like everyday, I gots at least one guy telling me I'm fat, stupid, or manly. It's like gawsh ;A; people are so harsh. And I'm not even fat D;
It's really stupid. Whenever I say out right, "I'm fat", some guy would be like "You're being a stupid girl~. You're not fat~." Then like five minutes later, that same guy will call me fat. >3<;;
So I'm upset~ because trying to take all of that from like ten guys everyday just sucks~. And I mean like it shouldn't bother me, but it does. Getting bullshit from one or two people is nothing, but from many it's like ughhh. Of course, I understand they're just "teasing" or "messing around", but it still sucks. Like sometimes I just don't know :V. At some point, I will break down xP. Last Thursday, I just went all silent and gloomy because I didn't know what to do anymore. That's really weird for me too because I'm never quiet. Haha XD.
At the end of the day, it was really nice though. Because of uh... idk let's call him Chouchou~ (it means "pet" in French, and he's totes my pet ^^) . He took me "bread shopping" after going on and on about how he didn't like bread. LOL. I mean it's really nice when you're having a bad day, and then your friend acts all stupid, bat-shit funny on you xD. He came and saved my day unintentionally though~. Chouchou is that kind of friend who just makes you go "what the fuck? XD" the entire day because he just says the darnest things. haha.

Chouchou and I went to visit Pari-chan, bought some breadd (he forced me to buy bread because he "didnt want to be the only one buying stuff" xD), and semi-prank called Luka-chan. LOL. It was amazing :P.

OH. And last Friday was my one month anniversary with Nairb ♥♥♥.
The gift he decided to give me was himself. And I was like "OMGG. SO HAPPY~ I'll cherish 'it' forever ;w;". And my gift to him was myself. LOL. I put a gift bow on my face and everything. XD. We're an amazing couple. legits =w=b.

It feels amazing to be caught when you expected to fall...

Bad Girlfriend

I feel like I'm a really bad girlfriend. LOL.

I mean I can be a good one at times, but most of the time, I think I'm pretty bad. Haha. Why does my boyfriend stay with mehh? I don't know. If girls can learn to date douches, then guys can too! XD.

Haha. It's like...he can never win a debate. He's always insulted. I refuse to share him. He's not allowed to insult me. I don't believe in his compliments. LOL. I make him hold onto my stuff. I quite often twist his words. I slap him. I dont allow retaliation. I get jealous easily. I "borrow" his stuff. I complain ...a lot. I pinch his cheeks... a lot. I sometimes expect him to solve my problems. LOL. This is just going downhill so fast XD;;. I practically abuse the poor boy.

Most of the time I'm just joking or teasing, but it must really suck for Nairb... like I was thinking about it today, and I just realized, I'm like really terrible ;A;.

Like the worst thing I've done so far happened today. I was on the subway going home today, and going home with Nairb is like the only time I ever really get to be with him since we don't have classes together, and that's still only 30-40 minutes. Anyways, my other friends was on the subway with us as well. Now here's the "pun". Instead of sitting next to my boyfriend and spending that little half hour with him, I gave him my book bag and went to talk with my friends on the other side of the subway cart. TT________TT. OH MY GOSH. THAT SOUNDS SO BAD. I was like doing homework, about to fall asleep, and this thought suddenly came to me.

I would love to explain myself with many excuses, (as in the process of trying to make myself feel better, I've came up with many) but if I say anything, it will just sound like excuses. OTL.

One of my excuses though is that I'm uncomfortable with verbal affection for guys. OMG. IDKY but I can totally tell a girl that's she's sexy and has a nice ass without any trouble at all. BUT. when it comes to telling my boyfriend the  phrase, "I like you," I can't say it without it sounding weird or something. OTL. Verbal affection to my boyfriend makes me feel so awkward >3<;;.

So in conclusion, I'm terrible. LOL. I'd like to hope I'm not completely bad though. xD;.

I mean, I'm the kind of nice girlfriend who puts cute notes in his locker and whatnot ^_____^.... but that's all I do. That's all I can do. OTL. because it's hard to say things face to face ;A;.

So I'm like sad.... xD;; because.... I suck D;