Sorry. Sorry for being such an idiot ;____;

sigh... ;____________; I'm. A. Terrible. Person.
So. Much. Damn. Guilt. Has. Collected. And. I. Am. Such. A. Douche. D':
This. God. Damn. Rain. Fits. My. Mood. So. Damn. Well.
Damn. You. God. Forsaken. Rain. !!! .
*sob sob sniffle sniffle* TT^TT. I. Am. A. Terrible. Person.

;_____; I'm so sorry. I should have realized it sooner. I'ma total bitch.
I ... I.... wahhhh~ *breaks down crying* I'msosorrycouldyoueversforgivemeplease??? No... I'm not worthy of your humble pity TT____TT. I don't deserve someone so nice as you. I'm like the worthless dirt beneath your feet. the bothersome pebble in your shoe. the itchy sweater that you just wanna throw out. Even if you are willing to forgive me (and you're so kind, you probably will), I won't accept your forgiveness. I won't accept you forgiveness until I fix this. I can't accept the state I have caused you to be in. I can't accept that I have been such a pain in the ass. I can't accept that I have done and been everything that I hate.

But I have realized my mistakes and issues and the many many problems I have caused. I have realized that I have betrayed my own beliefs without fully realizing it until now. You should and will come first. Do not worry anymore. I thought I was doing all I can to bring you happiness, but due to my blind stupidity I have realized that I have been doing the opposite. And to make matters worse, I have been taking and gaining more than I have been giving. This unequal balance is not right.

I shall fix this.

I think things will backfire. Backfire towards me. But that is okay. I am willing to do this ! :'). And maybe, fate will be kind, and good things will happen for the both of us. I hope it's a win, win situation.

er- this is probably confusing to those who are reading, but this is a private matter in which I cannot share too much about. I just need to vent my apologizes to my friend.

I need to seriously fix this. And I will.

I'll make things right because I have made the wrong moves.
I hate it when I do that. This is why I can't play chess or battleship or even connect 4 !! I'm bad at planning, strategizing, and any brain involving activities. Everything always ends up bad. bad. bad. Nobody every knows because I'm just too damn good at hiding it. That's the problem with me. I don't like sharing my problems. But now I have. Sharing really helped me. She/he/it told me their opinion, and now I know what I must do.

Let's hope that whatever happens won't be a mistake like all the other things in my life.

@irl friends: don't worry. I have not reached some terrible depressed state in my life, so please don't bug me about this at school. don't ask me who it is and don't assume i'm referring to you because you will never be sure and i will never tell you who I am talking about here in this blog post :|

Forgive and Forget

I forgave Luka-chan, even though she sort of embarrassed me, and might have ruined the very fragile friendship I have with K.

If you do not understand what I'm talking about that is because you are new to my blog and have not read my previous entry. Let me give you a quick explanation then. Luka-chan is my best friend, and she basically embarrassed me in front of my crush, K. I felt utterly betrayed and angry. Luka-chan might as well have wrote "I like K." on my forehead. 

Luckily, I was able to fix everything. I told K. that people he didn't know knew him because I told them about him. And he dismissed the topic after that. ^ ^ K. is so nice.

Anyways, I may have forgiven Luka-chan, but I didn't let her go so easily.

I ignored her for the whole morning and 1st period. Basically the longest time we've been together and not talk. She kept trying to talk to me, but I didn't answer. I pretended she wasn't even there; not even looking at her. During first period, she sat there doing her work instead of bothering me. I could tell she was in deep thought.

When it came to 2nd period, I told her why I was angry.

She truly is an idiot. Luka-chan didn't understand what she did wrong. I was like "You kept on bothering him! Getting all up in his face and shouting 'HI!' Not too mention he doesn't know you and you were asking for his last name!" Okay...now that I am saying this with a calm state of mind, this doesn't seem like a big deal. But > < if it were you, you would have been utterly embarrassed as well. It's hard to explain. 

She sort of understood how I felt, but I think she doesn't fully understand because she's never liked a real life person before. Therefore, she doesn't know the feeling of wanting nothing to go wrong in front of the eyes of the guy you like. You want everything to go right....

So yea, me and Luka are good, and best friends again.

Except, I'm still a little suspicious of her, and not so open with her as I once was.

That's just how life is though. Once you lose someone's trust, you can never fully gain it back.
But I shall forgive and forget about that. It isn't something to ruin a friendship over.