The Lucky Ducky I Am!

A couple of my friends from middle school and I got together today to hang out for the holiday break. The beautiful thing is that everyone seems to haven't change in the slightest. Well, X-chan seems to have gotten a little bit "too cool for us". Haha, but all is well xD. We traded gifts, ate froyo, and had a tone of fun. What I found to be quite fun though was that I was like a whole two inches taller than everyone :'D. LOL. Sadly not because I miraculously grew over night, but because I wore the new boots my daddy got me for Christmas >w< !! Kyaaa~ I love them. They're ah-maz-ing~!  I mean the heel is like a whole friggin' 3 inches high (and I have declared them to be little devils T~T), but I still love 'em!

http://www.6pm.com/michael-antonio-malone-taupe?zfcTest=mat%3A1

I wore them out today, and was having a ton of fun. How I felt on the way home though was a whole other story though! My toes felt the slow torture. Gradually, my walking pace became slower to make up for the pain and I was totally being left behind. //boohu. When I finally got the chance to stop, I switched out my boots for a pair of nice comfortable sneakers that I kept in my bag (in case of emergency foot pain and whatnot xP). I placed my boots into a red plastic bag, and tied it to the side of my bag. Being the "smart" one I am, I double knotted it, so it doesn't fall. However, when I got back home....... my boots were missing >___>. FUU** !! Of course, being the crazy bastard that I am, I decided that I wasn't going to just say "Oh fucking well. That's too bad." No. Like hell I would say that xP. Instead, I forced my dad to get into his car and help me find my boots even though it was raining/snowing/hailing. Not to mention it was dark and we were both in our pajamas. My dad is nice though. He was like "I doubt you'll find it! It's not very likely" also insert some phrases of "You're so stupid!" and "I taught you better!" Haha, but that's not what makes him nice... xD;;. LOL. It's that despite thinking I'm a complete idiot, he tossed on his coat and gave me the chance to find it. Of course, throughout the entire time, he was whining like a baby and complaining about how he'd rather buy another pair than go through with the work of finding it XDD. We drove around. My face glued to the window, trying to look for any sign of my boots. All I could think of was "look for the red plastic bag. red plastic bag." I tried to convince my dad (and myself) that although it was dark, the redness of the bag and the small help of the street lights will be enough to spot it. We couldn't find it though! I was so frustrated. All my dad could do was say "It's okay. The price dropped more, so now it's only $15!" (lol, oh dad xD). And as I was about to give up hope, at the very last moment, in my perifpheral vision, I saw it. A small lump of red on the edge of the sidewalk. I shouted in excitement as a glimmer of hope sprung within me as I hopped out of my car (after it stopped ofc) and dashed toward it. I bent down to pick it up, lifted the flaps of the bag, and in the dim light of the night, .... it ended up being full of garbage.



LOL Just kidding! Inside were my boots!! TTwTT. You wouldn't believe how happy I was!! My boots are now in my possession once again. Soaked, but still beautiful ;w;. Haha, my dad couldn't believe that I acutually found it. He wouldn't stop laughing xD.

I Don't Won't It All to End.

I had my graduation.

However.... even though I graduated... it doesn't feel like things have ended yet. There's still a faint thought nagging in the back of my mind telling me that it has. That... it's only a matter of time before I will be going to high school, and making new friends. My dad tells me that middle school friends are only a passing memory; a group of people that will not be with you forever like promised. It's high school friends that matter, he says. But... high school is four years. one more year than middle school. I don't see the difference. Why isn't middle school friends just as important?

I LOVE my middle school friends to death. I can't picture being without them. I have a habit of growing very close to people, so having to leave them after being with them for three years is just so heartbreaking.

It's still pretty early though, so we're all still one big gang xD. LOL.

Since school is finally over, we're taking every chance to hang out with each other! I have a feeling everyone is trying to grasp onto our friendships because plans and events are booming all over the place. In a way, it kind of makes the whole thing more upsetting. Before, we used to be go out every once in awhile; never in a rush to be together because it seemed like forever before we'd have to separate. Now, it's as if the impact of the whole situation has just dawned upon everyone.

Yesterday I went to Ken's house with a bunch of other friends. There was me, one other girl, and five other males (Ken, Willy, Ronny, Gleek-kun, and one other). At some point, the girl had to leave. It was just me and five boys. It was WEIRD. But I have a boyfriend, so I'm safe <3. LOL. But nah, I'm just kidding. All of them are really nice. They wouldn't do anything.

Today I'm going to the movies with like a bunch of people. 

Sometime next week I'm going to have a scary movie fest at Choco-chan's house with a bunch of girls. hope we don't annoy the neighbors with our loud and girly screams XD.

And next Saturday, I'm going to make pasta with Luchia-chan.

I already have an event planned for August too (gonna go to the beach x3. hell yea~!)

everyone wants to be with everyone. we're all acting as if we'll never get the chance to see each other again after this summer. and it makes me wonder... if it's true.

I am feeling sense of sentimentality today. Everyone says we'll stay in touch... except I can't help but have this feeling -a tiny feeling- that.... it's only a foolish dream to believe that all of us will stay in touch. I hope I can stay in touch with a few of them though.
IMA MISS ALL MY FRIENDS. WHUY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY?

Sorry. Sorry for being such an idiot ;____;

sigh... ;____________; I'm. A. Terrible. Person.
So. Much. Damn. Guilt. Has. Collected. And. I. Am. Such. A. Douche. D':
This. God. Damn. Rain. Fits. My. Mood. So. Damn. Well.
Damn. You. God. Forsaken. Rain. !!! .
*sob sob sniffle sniffle* TT^TT. I. Am. A. Terrible. Person.

;_____; I'm so sorry. I should have realized it sooner. I'ma total bitch.
I ... I.... wahhhh~ *breaks down crying* I'msosorrycouldyoueversforgivemeplease??? No... I'm not worthy of your humble pity TT____TT. I don't deserve someone so nice as you. I'm like the worthless dirt beneath your feet. the bothersome pebble in your shoe. the itchy sweater that you just wanna throw out. Even if you are willing to forgive me (and you're so kind, you probably will), I won't accept your forgiveness. I won't accept you forgiveness until I fix this. I can't accept the state I have caused you to be in. I can't accept that I have been such a pain in the ass. I can't accept that I have done and been everything that I hate.

But I have realized my mistakes and issues and the many many problems I have caused. I have realized that I have betrayed my own beliefs without fully realizing it until now. You should and will come first. Do not worry anymore. I thought I was doing all I can to bring you happiness, but due to my blind stupidity I have realized that I have been doing the opposite. And to make matters worse, I have been taking and gaining more than I have been giving. This unequal balance is not right.

I shall fix this.

I think things will backfire. Backfire towards me. But that is okay. I am willing to do this ! :'). And maybe, fate will be kind, and good things will happen for the both of us. I hope it's a win, win situation.

er- this is probably confusing to those who are reading, but this is a private matter in which I cannot share too much about. I just need to vent my apologizes to my friend.

I need to seriously fix this. And I will.

I'll make things right because I have made the wrong moves.
I hate it when I do that. This is why I can't play chess or battleship or even connect 4 !! I'm bad at planning, strategizing, and any brain involving activities. Everything always ends up bad. bad. bad. Nobody every knows because I'm just too damn good at hiding it. That's the problem with me. I don't like sharing my problems. But now I have. Sharing really helped me. She/he/it told me their opinion, and now I know what I must do.

Let's hope that whatever happens won't be a mistake like all the other things in my life.

@irl friends: don't worry. I have not reached some terrible depressed state in my life, so please don't bug me about this at school. don't ask me who it is and don't assume i'm referring to you because you will never be sure and i will never tell you who I am talking about here in this blog post :|

Fixed?

Erm...okay, well if you've read my previous blog entry, then you would have known that K. confessed his feelings to me. However, I had to semi-reject because I'm not allowed to date. I did also confess my feelings as well, in the email though. And after I awaited his reply afterwards.
He sent his reply, saying that he was okay with not dating me, and that just being able to talk with me would be fine. Er...>.> but that left us at a really odd position, in my opinion. So after reading the contents of his email, I started thinking, "What now?" Like what does two people who like each other, but incapable of being with each other do?
Today, I asked K. what I was to him in order to confirm some things, and his answer to me was, "More then a friend." Now if you look at that positively, that's a big achievement, since I've been sorta obsessing over this guy for awhile now. But I don't know if it's enough for me ^ ^;;. I mean I was kind of hoping for more, but for someone who can't date, you can't ask for much. Beggars can't be choosers, I guess. Right now, we're just two people who like to talk with each other at the moment. I guess you could say I'm kind of happy about these events. I mean the guy I like actually likes me back. I'm able to have more fluent talk with him too. But I'm a little disappointed at the same time. It's like, is that all I get? After spending endless amount of efforts of getting to know him better. Plus, there's all that time I spent after school just to be with him. Sigh~ I thought this world was built on equal trade (xxxholic reference xD). I did that for myself, and I actually didn't expect anything in return. I'm just happy I got this far :). Truthfully, I have no idea what's going to happen between us in the future. >.> I hate it when I can't predict things (remember, I'm a woman who's very cautious and likes being able to accurately predict things). Sigh~ so I guess all I can do is cross my fingers and hope for the best.

I Can't Believe What Just Happened

I don't know if I just made the largest mistake of my life or the right one...

Earlier, I was chatting with K., and things were going really well (if you minus out the awkward nervousness I felt the entire time ^ ^;; when I'm talking with him, I always choke on my words.)

Well anyways..things got real awkward

and I think he actually confessed that he liked me.

But it was all too unreal for me to realize what was going on. I ended up saying stupid stuff, that probably hurt his feelings, and he left our chat.

A few minutes later, he sends me an email saying he would like to start over from the beginning.

...but I told him I couldn't just start over,

and I actually told him that I liked him as well.

except...I said nothing would happen between us romantically because I'm not allowed to date. :(

And in the email, I asked if we could just stay friends, but I don't think that's possible.

and ...I'm not sure if he'll ever be want to talk to me again.

He hasn't replied back yet (mostly because I just sent the email)

Our "love" story ended badly...

And...and...

TT^TT I'M SUCH AN IDIOT!!!

I NEVER THOUGHT THINGS WOULD TURN OUT THIS WAY!!! TT^TT

WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?!?!

I MESSED UP!!! TT~TT

I FEEL TERRIBLE!!!!! D':

>~< it seems almost impossible to fix things now.

and I wonder if he's reading this now ^ ^;;. He somehow found my blog, and started reading it >.> ... Which was a terrible turn of events >~<.

So back to what I said in the beginning. Do you think it was wrong and a big mistake to tell K. that I can't be more then friends with him, or do you think it was the right decision to not go behind my dad's back and start dating my crush?

Trust

I feel...like crying. My pride prevents me from shedding a single tear though. Why is it that in life, everything can go so right, but suddenly goes oh so wrong? :'( I just don't understand.
Today, I was humiliated, betrayed, angry, scared, and sad; all at once. I still feel those emotions now.
I used to like a guy who was a complete jerk, and I just don't know what I saw in him. All he has going for him is looks. And it took me awhile to realize that. But I now started liking K. He's basically perfect. I've always pictured myself being with an Asian guy, but K. is Indian, and has opened my eyes.
I've never really talked about the jerk I used to like with you guys, but I think you should know about him a little before I continue with why I felt those horrible feelings today.
I felt like I could trust my friends with the secret of me liking SF. (the jerk I used to like). For the first few days, they were like "ok..." but as time passed and they saw him in the halls everything went down hill. Every time they saw him they were like "Ooooh." or "Emiko! There he is!" :\ you can see how annoying that must have been for me because we pass him in the halls quite often. My so called friends made it so obvious that I liked him! I was just so damn pissed off. I still talked to him though. But as more time passed, and my friends kept up their childish behavior, he started to slowly stop talking to me. It went to the point that he even started insulting me. It made me quite miserable.
So once I started liking K., I just couldn't trust anyone. I didn't tell anyone. And everything was good. People still teased me a bit though because they like starting rumors. But it wasn't anything major.
Then I told my friend P. because I know I can trust her. Plus she trusted me with the secret of her crush, so in return I told her mine. Plus I have the feeling that she thinks that guy she likes, J., likes me. So she was really conservative with me, but when I told her that I liked K., it seemed like she was happy again. I guess she didn't have to worry that I would steal him from her. Not that I would, but some people just think that kind of stuff no matter how much you trust the person. I also told Luka-chan because she's my best friend. I feel like I could trust her. We're close... I also told Jo. because she had killer eyes when I didn't tell.. I got frightened. And eventually about 7 different people now know. How did it start from telling just one person to having basically everyone knowing? TT^TT I'm such an idiot.
Anyways, in gym today, was where all the drama and daje vu  happened.
[warning: I can tell this is going to be a long entry...]
Okay, so K.'s lunch period is right after mine. K. likes to go to gym during his lunch period. And on Mondays I have gym after lunch. So when gym started I was so happy. I wanted to talk to him. Stare at him. Hang out basically. But my stupid friends -__-, what troublesome beings they are. I sat near him, and my friends and I started playing a game. Then I got bored, and decided to walk somewhere else. Everyone of course followed me (I'm not sure why). I couldn't get alone with K. at all though! Which pissed me off. Anyways, I passed by K. and became too shy to say hi, so I just kept walking. But my "friends" started shouting "Hi K.!!" and stopped to talk to him. I became freaked out/worried, and started shouting "What are you doing? Come on let's go over here." And K. was freaked out because like 5 people he didn't know knew him, and started crowding him. I was like "> < Oh my god." I felt like dying right there. I just pulled them away, but stupid Luka!! She stood there with that evil bitchy smile of hers. I stood at the other end of the gym, and started motioning for her to get her fucking ass over to where I was. (I am letting you know that I am getting angrier and angrier with each letter, so I might start..cursing a little.) But she didnt move an inch. I then went over to her, and started to pull her away. But that idiot! She didn't start walking, and she made me drag her. She was making weird noises too -.-;;. It was somewhere between a whine and a dying animal. K. was like "o.O;;" and I was like "ugh -.-" Luka can be such a drama queen, and Jo. finds her adorable for some reason...>.> she's nuts for thinking that witch is "cute." Anyways, after my several attempts to get my crazy "friends" away from K., L. (a stupid loser who is really annoying and perverted, and I for some reason hang out with him. He's also in K.'s class) started to notice and was like "Ooh! I know who you like. It's K.!" J. and L. has this weird determination to find out who I like, so that's why he made a big deal about it.
I was like "No.No.No! >~<" I felt like walls were closing in on me, and there was no where to escape. I was falling into a deep pit of darkness. I sat there watching everything I've worked so hard for fall apart right before my eyes. When I say "worked hard for", I mean I've spent so much time trying to get closer to K. But when my friends started to freak him out, that all went out the drain. I felt this odd squeezing in my heart, and my brain was collapsing on me. I couldn't think.
Finally gym was over.
I never wanted to go through that again. It felt like total de ja vu. It felt like SF. moment all over again!! I did not want that to happen; never ever.  I don't ever want to combine my love life and friend life together ever again. I mostly hang out with K. during after school activities. During after school activities, I'm like in a whole separate world.
I felt humiliated because everyone was making fun of me. K. saw how weird my friends were.  > <
I felt betrayed because of everything. I thought of Luka as my best friend. And even though everyone contributed to my misery (everyone embarrassed me in front of K.) Luka was the one to lead the attack. Everyone has just been cool about everything, until Luka started causing ruckus!! You know how sad it is when you can't trust your own best friend? I really need to rethink my choice of friends.
I felt scared because I don't want K. to stop talking to me like SF. did. I like talking to him...When I'm with K., all my worries just seem to...disappear for those few fleeting moments. I ...he makes me happy.
And I felt sad because I was humiliated, betrayed, and scared but I can't do anything about it. I want so badly to rewind time.
Why did I name this entry trust? I'll answer that.
I'm a nice person, and people tend to take advantage of that. I never get angry and I'm very go with the flow kind of person. I give people way too many second chances. And Luka just killed hers.
When I was younger, like elementary school young, I had developed some...trust issues. I got betrayed way too many times, and it just seems like I haven't learned my lesson yet.
I just hate that I can't find a friend who I can truly trust.
I have a feeling that Luka is out to ruin my life. I remember she was so nice. But now she always looks at me with this look of jealousy, and her tone towards me isn't the same. Plus, whenever I ask for help on a school question, she insults me and then tells me the wrong answer -__-. What a nice friend right? *sarcasm* I can't really name any other examples as to why I feel that Luka is this way towards me, but I just get this feelings radiating from her. You know what I mean?
Sigh~ life just isn't so good for me right now.

Stupid Copyrights!!

Waaahh!! *crying sound (i'll do that a lot, so get used to it)* TT^TT because of stupid copyrights I can't listen to  certain videos on youtube. Okay wait. Let me explain from the beginning. Since I wrote a post about Kat-Tun, I thought "I want to go listen to them now." So like any other person who unfortunately doesn't own their CD or whatever, I went to youtube.  When I found the song I wanted to listen to (Rescue), I found out that the super nice high quality music video of Rescue wasn't there. >~< I was so sad. I now dread that stupid thing that says "this video is no longer here due to copyright claim." That stupid little red square is annoying too. I decided that I shouldn't let that bother me and I try to look for another music video of them singing Rescue, but they were all really bad quality and sucked like crap TT^TT. I couldn't stand to watch something so fail. However, I thought "wait! Rescue isn't the only song I like." so I go and look for that awesome video of a Kat-Tun concert where they sing Sadistic Love. And I became sad. It's all because of that stupid red square ...and copyrights!! > < I hate copyrights. Can't they just let us fans enjoy free entertainment? I guess not because then they can't make any money. But I want to listen and see high quality videos of them!! Sigh~ the world is so unfair.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_ao3Rfy4lg
Love Yourself ~Kat-Tun.
The video is sucky quality, but I like this song ^ ^
It also just so happens to be the theme/opening song of Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge the drama. By the way, the guys dancing aren't Kat-Tun (except for Kazuya), they're cast from the drama.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EeswdPtPVR0&feature=related
this one includes hot pictures and cute video clips of Kazuya Kamenashi. ^ ^

sigh...i'm still sad about the stupid copyrights.
but you just got to make do with whats given to ya.
maybe I'll save up some money to buy their CD or something. :)

~Look at the glass half full, not half empty.