Is it weird that I sort of semi-like crying?
I don't know how to explain why very well... It's just, usually I am a happy person. . . I'm not sure if I'm happy for myself or... for others. Do I try to look strong so others won't worry? or am I strong on my own? I don't really know the answer to that. This happy attitude didn't really start until fifth~sixth grade to be honest. Why? Well, hm... can you keep a secret? LOL probably not, but I guess I'll tell you anyways. A lot of people for some reason believes I don't know the meaning of sadness or pain. Probably because I act so happy all the time. Those people are unfortunately wrong... When I was little.. well let's just say I didn't have the best childhood a person could have. And when I finally got out of the bad situation I was in, I couldn't talk about it. No, it's more like I didn't want to talk about it. To make people not ask, I became "happy." Making people think I'm okay, bottling things up, acting happy; I've become good at it. Eventually, I've fooled myself into really thinking I am. It's been this way for a long time. Don't get me wrong, I've come to learn how to be happy. When I laugh with my friends at school or give someone a warm smile, it's certainly not fake (well..maybe sometimes. depends). But because I bury my pain so deep into my heart that I don't even recognize it anymore, I've come to be fascinated by the act of crying. I try so hard not to that when I actually do cry, I don't try to wipe the tears off my cheeks in a hurry. I don't try to stop myself. It's weird. I'm strange. Crazy. I know. But it let's me know that I'm human. that I have emotions, and I'm glad I do. Nothing recent has really caused me to cry for real though. But for like books, or t.v. shows, and etc. I've cried out of empathy. I'm too empathetic that it happens often (my dad finds it funny and very amazing at the same time >__>). I don't know though. Some people say there's not point in crying. Crying is just useless. It doesn't do anything. I'd have to disagree with that though. Crying let's me move on. When I cry, I get all the sadness and pain out. So afterwards, I don't regret anything, and it helps clear my mind.
I like screaming out of rage too... but that's a story for another time xD.
I'll leave this post short because it's midnight x___x and I need to seriously sleep. I've only been surviving through school with like only 5 hours of sleep. I'm going to die if I don't get at least eight hours tonight xP.
ps. gomen ne~ this post is... slightly depressing ^ ^;;. I've just.. I guess bottled up so much in my life time thus far, that I just need to get some of it out~. I mean, why have a blog if I can't say what I feel whenever the hell I want to?
pss. to friends: please don't worry about me ^ ^;;. I haven't gone into depression or anything. There's nothing wrong with me. See *smiles* :D I'm fine. No asking me 'bout this later~ xP.
to Gleek-kun: I mean it when I say don't ask me about this later =___= it's an order~! :|
Hi its gleek kun
ReplyDeletewell if u pretend to be someone ur not (u pretend to be happy) u'll eventually become tat person. Anways omg im feeel sooooooooooo bad for u, idc if u'll feel like shit or say i don't have too, too bad deal with it. i kinda think its bad to bottle up feelings, belive me i know wat ur talking about i used to do that only with sadness and anger, but i belive that it will eventually "explode" causing all the bottled emotions to spread out. So one day crying might not be enough and u'll get depression or go on crytal meth(okay maybe im going to far now. wow u know from wayyyy to much past experinece tat i'll ask about this in school. i anways i knew u were sad or somethin in school but u made the excuse of saying ur trierd.
Just another stalker here too, To this "Gleek Kun" are you stupid? She asked you not to care about it for meanwhile, so why are you bothering her? Worst of all, why are you asking your friend to do meth? You obviously do not care about or for her.
DeleteIts okay to let things out, and I'm glad that you did, I hope you feel better and always go to your closet friends when you need help, not this jerk.
Hey. I'm just an intruder/creep/stalker/someone not important who saw this post. Call me Elf.
ReplyDeleteThis post is not depressing. Personally I feel that it's good that you let out your emotions. To me crying is fine. I agree with what you said. Crying does make you move on. So don't be afraid to cry or to rage or scream. It is better than bottling it all up. Once left alone for too long, these bottled up emotions can be dangerous. I feel that you are a strong person. You have learned the meaning of smiling and happiness despite your experiences before. Not many people can come to that stage. You have achieved something great. Don't think that you're fooling yourself. I have a feeling that you are really happy when you smile and laugh(except those that are forced). Hold onto that feeling and let go of the past feelings. Scream out of the window or something, it'll help. Once they're all gone, enjoy life to the fullest and don't worry about them anymore.
I'm stopping this comment now. Hope that you feel better when you wake up from your eight hours of sleep. :)
To Gleek-kun...
ReplyDelete=____=; no comment.
To Elf...
Wow you must be smart/mature/experienced !
And I'm glad someone finally understands what I'm talking about !
Shame I don't know you in person. You seem like someone I'd look up to :)
Thanks. Not many people call me mature/smart/experienced. I just know the feeling of bottling all emotions up and faking a smile all the time. It hurts alot and after a while, you seem to forget it but it actually never disappears.
DeleteSo crying/screaming/punching the wall actually destroys all these terrible feelings. It's painful at first but it'll pass. And when it does, you'll be a whole new you with no boundaries and chains to your past anymore.
I hope you're better now. :)
From,
Elf.
P.S: You don't need to know me in person. I'm a stalker remember. :P I'll be lurking around.
To Elf...
Deleteah I'd have to agree with you. Some people look down on the whole screaming/punching the wall or crying thing, but it can actually be a good stress reliever~.
ps. LOL another stalker~? i attract a lot of those for some reason XD;