Huzzah to Crappy Anniversaries *insert sad smile and shoulder shrug

Last night was probably the worst night out of my sixteen years of living. I'm not even being dramatic. Lol I'm a pretty happy person, so I have actually never really had a bad night. I feel like if there were gods, I had just got my ass smited. It was as if the fates set me on that path, and I tried everything to think it was otherwise.

My friend was going to see her boyfriend Friday, but it ended up going pretty badly for her because she was unable to go. She was looking forward to the day for the whole week; her excitement building up and growing. Only for that excitement to collapse all around her into bitter sadness, as he caused for her to not go. She tried to talk to me about it, but I couldn't see the point of being so upset. I think I was kind of harsh even because to be honest, I found it to be irrational. I didn't understand.

Somewhat coincidentally, I was seeing my boyfriend Saturday (today) as I stated earlier it's our anniversary today. However... last night, he tells me "Hey, I didn't start my homework. Can't go tomorrow". Just thinking of it infuriates me!  Who the hell goes on a skii trip for three days, play League of Legends the next few days, and then goes to a late night church party, but has the audacity to casually be like 'oh, i can't go to see you on our anniversary because i have bad organization and planning'. Bam. I was smited. It's like karma for not treating my friend with more sincerity ;A;. I planned for two weeks and got all excited. I feel like a fool. I started to cry the moment he started telling me he couldn't go. I had this bitter feeling he wouldn't before, but I wanted to have faith he would come. I feel like with his 'bad planning' he never really planned on going anyways or at least didn't place as much importance on it. I don't know, I'm sixteen and wild. I couldn't really believe I'd stick with ONE guy for a whole year. I mean especially having a family where my aunt tells me things like "Dat a boy for the school year, dump him in the summer to have some free time, and get a new boyfriend next school year" or my dad who tells me about his many girlfriends in high school. So for me, liking a guy for a whole year straight is a pretty big deal. I think I really love this boy or as close as teenage emotions can get to love! So my excitement crashed around me into bitter sadness as well. smited.

Now I'm watching chick flicks and wandering why I'm so damn loyal to this boy.
boys are stupid. i feel stupid. this is stupid.

It was a really bad night. I kind of wanted to break up with him right then and there. I've been kind of wanting to for a few days now. Thinking my feelings aren't enough to power this relationship. My actions are strong. His are half baked; feeling like he treats as a "close" friend but not a girlfriend.
I wouldn't say we fought. We're mature enough to talk it out. He calls for a break. It was like he didn't even wanted to fight to keep me. Flat out "Let's take a break" using the excuse that he wants best for me and whatnot.

I feel that... the reason this feels tough on me is that it's kind of happened to me before... kind of... in a vague sense. Boy I like rejects me on Valentine's day. LOL. life. I don't know, I'm actually still really good friends with said boy XD. Besides that though, now as it afternoon/evening (when all this BS break stuff happened at like 2 in the morning), he tells me he doesn't want a break. what is wrong with boys? T^T. I told him I wanted a break now >:T
I don't know. Maybe a few days without each other, we can learn to appreciate each other again?
He initially said a week, I changed it to two days with the recent decision of him not wanting it. LOL. two days can work? ;w;. I don't know, I don't want a break but my woman instincts tell me it's needed :c I don't know. I just don't want him to think he can easily just run back to me Dx because then this problem will just happen again.

I feel like I will either get bitter or my "cool" won't last and just love him more x___x;;.

-why do i post these personal things-

Update On... Well, My Life!

Haven't posted in eons. Lots to share. So here I go!

Extra Curricular Life
I've been mostly spending my time with my new blog JTUD (Journey To the Unknown Destination). Please read and go check it out! :D I'm working really hard! lol
I have to say, working with my mentor is really exciting! I get to work at a place called the FlatIron School. It's a really awesome place!  My mentor, Sara J Chipps, is really nice and awesome! (subscribe to her KittieBots!! ) She also introduces me to her coworkers, and they're awesome too. lool. Everything there is really cool. They have funky chairs and white-board tables and giant computers and projectors.
The Subway next door is my savior because I always find myself rushing out the door to get to the place (it's an hour travel time haha). However, I tried going to someplace across the street today. It was super yummy and the service was nice too! ...except, I think the server tried hitting on me LOL. (cuz I'm just so beautiful. Just kidding! XD hahaa...). Then on my way back to the building, this pamphlet distributor guy came up to me, and was like "Do you wanna tour the statue of liberty" and I'm like "No thank you". Then he wouldn't leave me alone LOL Started asking me if I worked around the area, and I really didn't want to explain my whole mentor-apprenticeship thing. It's really none of his business anyway LOL so I just said "Yeaa.....(lets go with that lol)". Then he asked me out to lunch. ((THE SINGLE BE THIRSTY. LOL. I told my single friend that, and he got upset with me XD. idk. I'm sorry)) I kindly declined the pamphlet guy, and ran into my building. hahaa....... is it just me, or is it really uncomfortable to be hit on? Not trying to show off or anything, but idk I'm young and it makes me nervous Dx. Anyways, my Intel project is going really well! Meeting all these different kinds of people and having the experience of these travels are amazing. The freedom ;w;. The hopes of the future. The memories.

Current Love Life
This Saturday (Feb 22) is my one year anniversary with my boyfriend!!
We're just going to hang out at my house and watch movies :)
I really do love him ^____^ or whatever you want to call this warm, fuzzy feeling in me that makes me just wanna run through a field of flowers screaming for joy.
I mean it does get rough between us (I mean it has been a year after all). We just get sick of each other sometimes, but we usually figure it out in the end :)
He's really the best! Deals with all my female moody troubles and loves me despite all flaws. He doesn't try to fix me, and that's what I love the most. (lol... well, he is a super tryhard in the fixing dept. when it comes to League of Legends though.... but boys will be boys XD). I mean there are things I like and don't like, but that's normal in everyone. My biggest problem is always thinking I'm not good enough. I don't know. Despite how confident I am, whenever it comes to opening myself up, I'm scared the one I love won't accept what's inside :c ...yea, deep stuff, but... it's how I feel.
On a more happier note, haha, I'm reallyyy excited to see him Saturday! It's mid-winter break right now, so I haven't seen him in FOREVER (*cough. cue in that one person to say "it's only been 7 days..."). Honestly, I'm just so addicted to the happiness he brings me that even a weekend apart makes me die from missing him. ♥

School Life
LOL. Like I don't even want to talk about this. I'm doing pretty okay, I guess. My only grade in the 80s is AP Human Geography (but that's because I have the crappiest memory in this world), but it's only like an 88-89ish. just need that 0.5 on my 89 to get that 90 ;w; plsplspls.On my midtermss, I think someone replaced my brain for the whole midterms week because all of them were in the 80s. I don't know why, but when it comes to test, my brain shuts off and gets substituted by a dummy. EXCEPT MY ENGLISH WAS A 98. omg. English is just my favorite most loved subject in the world ♥♥♥.

I feel like I'm going to die in Junior year. I'm hoping to take AP Java, AP US history, AP Psychology, and Intel.

Life in General
I feel poor .___.
Spending money to take train to mentor. Spending money to buy clothes (i think i hav an addiction). Spending money to buy birthday gifts. Spending money to buy food. Spending money on cake (i totes hav an addiction). Spending money on things I want in general.
Money is too big of a part in life LOL.

I'm facing fashion bipolar-ness. I can't choose between punky tomboy or cutie-pie girly as my style. I find myself constantly switching between the two. what is identity? what is style? LOL. My ripped jeans and rockin' black vest or my pink glasses and lace-y shirts. Haha #TeenageGirl.

I LEARNED TO CROCHET. it's so amazing. I make hats. I make scarves as gifts. I make couple scarves for my love and I. ♥ It's such a fun hobby. IM SO SAD THOUGH. I found this perfect yarn store. And as I finally found her, turns out, she's going out of business by the end of this February. fate is cruel ;A;. I bought like a pound of yarn for $10. that's amazing.

Life is like a Bowl of Ice Cream

 

Life is like a bowl of ice cream. I'm the bowl. My experiences the ice cream (preferably vanilla ♥). And all the beautiful friends I have would be the toppings on top that make it all the better (like sprinkles and caramel syrup >w<).

And so, as you can see, today's post will be about my friends (again).

I'm going to start off with my two junior friends. Eui-chan and Natty-kun.
Now, Natty imo is really quite cute, and a super nice-guy kinda person. I love talking to him, and seeing him in general. Compared to my other guy friends, he's quite a refreshing sight to see... because all of my guy friends are arrogant and love to fight with me (is it my fault that I'm skilled in the art of insulting? xD). I'm quite sick of them at times xP. But I don't like Natty. Too quiet for me, and we don't have much in common :P.
I think my friend Eui thinks I like him though, which is really quite bothersome D; She's the kinda friend who likes to play cupid. Her and Natty are good friends, and I feel like she's trying to convince him into dating me or something. I really appreciate her effort. But she's shooting bows at people who just don't match. xP. And she's convinced my friend, BB, that I like him too. I know this because BB keeps making fun D;
For now though, I'ma just pretrend like I'm oblivious to all of this. LOL. Hopefully, they'll drop it soon xD.

But even with all this drama, I still haven't forgotten my friends from middle school :'D.
For the winter break, I've set up a gathering. I can't wait for it. Super superr excited!! >w<. I went to go shopping for presents yesterday, and I'm glad I still know them so well. I can go "spot shopping" which is something Choco-chan came up with. It's where you can go shopping without an aim, look at something, and just know what's perfect Cx. I also love how a lot of stores around me have free gift wrapping. Makes my life so much easier :'D //can't wrap for life. With school and everything, I haven't been able to go out in FOREVER. I forgot how tiring shopping can be, but I miss it so much >w< //girly ftw.

BB showed me to this little mall nearby, and it has this cute little shop that I've fallen in love with!! They had G-gundam models!! ;w; I almost went beserk. If they accepted credit card, I would've probably lost control and bought it (even though the one I wanted costs $100). Grr- why do models have to be so damn expensive TT^TT //sob. It was like a Morning Glory combined with Anime Castle. It was amazing~ ;w;.

Anyways, speaking of Gundam, I found a friend who also thinks Setsuna is friggin' sexy >w< !! And one who also shares my love for Kat-Tun!! And one who likes to give out candy like mehh!! And another who enjoys watching CommunityChannel as much as I do !!

So the ice cream is beautiful with all its glorious toppings ;w;.

The Gems

The sound of morning music awakes me from peaceful slumber. Great determination removes me from the soft covers of dreams. With the help of an energy boaster (coffee xD), I prepare myself to go to school. On the way there, what a journey it is! The people I see. The troubles I face. Surprises meet me around every corner. And a surprise I also am for the other travelers like me. At school I am, ten minutes 'till the bell. Up the mountainous stairs (uhg!). But what awaits me are gems with smiles so great :'). Ding. Ding. Ding. Classes begin, and another tired day I suffer through. I can't wait to go home. But those moments with my gems makes me want to start the cycle again. ♥

All that's major in my life right now is high school, so that's what I'll talk about. lol. Everyday, I feel myself growing, becoming mature, and experiencing life. It's kinda freaky, but I enjoy it though. The ride on the subway every morning and afternoon. My teachers and classes. The activities and opportunities. I especially like the environment. Everyone there is amazing (well, for the most part :P).
I always get a good feeling whenever I climb those three flights of killer stairs knowing that I'll see my friends waiting for me near my classroom. And when I do arrive, all five/six of them smile at my appearance at the same time and greet me. I feel so special ;w;. lol it's really a sight to see a bunch of people smile at once xD.
I feel like I can relate to the people in Bronx Science really easily. A quarter of them are anime fans. Another quarter are geeks (either whovians or potterheads or both). And the third are both anime fans and geeks!  the last quarter are the borning bunch who just study xD. I'm friends with one of that last quarter, but she's cool, so she's excused :P.
My teachers are great... although I sleep in like half my classes >___>. And it upsets my friend that I never get caught. LOL. But don't worry folks! My grades are beautiful ^__^. ... except in biology. //sob. I suck in that class. I want to blame my teacher though. She talks to fast, writes scribble on the board, and can't spell for life. I swear, I'm probably studying inncorrect notes right now! I don't have it that bad though. There's some teachers who have heavy accents and speak in their native tongue at random moments; confusing everyone. xD.
The subway rides to school and back are always fun. I mean who doesn't love being squished into small spaces and surrounded by brutal New Yorkers? xP. Haha, nah, most of the time everything is alright. I get to enjoy free entertainment, people watching, thinking time, and great views (of cuties on the train ♥).
In my thinking time, I commonly only like to think of my happy moments though. And so, I end up smiling like an awkward idiot on the train xD. Haha, but New Yorkers are like trained to ignore weirdos, so I'm safe =w=b. Those happy thoughts could be total killer though! One time, I was happily reminicing in a memory I had of my little brother, and I started crying! My dad told me that with my in high school, I'll be spending less time with my little siblings and family. When I thought about missing out on the growth of my siblings and the events with my family, I started to tear up a bit ;A;. //stupid female hormones xP.

Despite all the new friends I'm making, I find myself deeply missing my friends from middle school too. I'm glad that I still see a few in my high school. And sometimes, I get to see Pari-chan on the subway in the morning :D !! I talk to Rin-chan too. I miss Luka-chan the most though since I don't really see or talk to her anymore. I miss her pink hair and wild personality. ;A;.

So high school has its ups and downs. A lot of the time, it feels like I'm mostly experiencing the "downs", but on those days when things are better, everything seems a little more worth it :)

Thanks for Breathing~

Today, I was talking with my friend (I won't state who). She asked me about life; about how do I live. I sat there and thought. How do I live? I had given her an answer. To be honest, I don't really know if what I was saying was true...or just a bunch of b.s. I mean I want to believe in what I said..but I don't really know.
I believe that... there is a reason I am here. I don't know what that reason is, but it exists. For me, that's enough. I continue to live in order to find out what the hell this "reason" is. Knowing my fail luck, I probably won't find out until the very end (meaning at death~), but that's okay. This kind of reason for living is me being ignorant though, or that is in my opinion. It's ignorant because..since I don't know what the purpose to living is, I came up with a "I don't know, but I'll just wing it and find out later" kind of solution. In a way I guess it let's me survive peacefully. While on the other hand, my friend over thinks things a bit. She can't go with the flow. I think that's okay. It's better than not thinking at all and acting on whims (which is kinda how I am xD). However, it prevents her from having fun. . . well I guess what she does is fun in a way for her(?).
But seriously...what is the purpose of living? I don't think anybody really has the answer (if you do, you should tell meh~ :3). Everyone finds their own reasons I guess. Whether that reason be a dream they wish to accomplish or simply because they wish to eat a sandwich or something the next day, doesn't matter to me. Some people (like my friend) just hasn't found their reason yet.
I was reading a book today (shocking, I know xD), and it said, "we were put here to help." ..I thought about it for a little bit, and I liked it xD. It sounds ...right. I mean some people are stingy, and only care for themselves. Those kind of people are doomed (in my opinion!). Doomed to loneliness. Doomed to unhappiness. Some people are way too laid back, and waits for things to come to them. Those people are doomed (in my opinion!). Doomed to failure. Doomed to a future that stands still as they wait for something instead of going for it themselves. Yet on the other hand, there are some people who are kind, and do things unconditionally. They have that bright smile, and aura that inspires you. I don't think they're doomed.. a lil' creepily perfect-seeming sometimes, but not doomed (maybe doomed with that "perfect" image).  ....^ ^;; wow..I lost the point I was trying to get at. ...I think maybe saying that the type of people who others admire are the kinds who have succeeded...but now that sounds a bit mean xD. I'm not saying that all people who are laid back will fail. I'm not saying being stingy is all bad (but most of the times)...I'm just stating ..different types of people(?).. well ..uh.. Anyways~, "we were put here to help." I think that means whatever it is we may do, nothing matters unless you help someone along the way. Help someone just because it's the nice/right thing to do. Whether it's helping your classmate in their studies or helping a person to turn a frown upside down.
I don't know... this has become my new motto/catch phrase in a way. Ask Choco-chan~. I kept using it today xD. I like how the phrase sounds... I like what it means, and it's simple.
LOL well ^ ^;; I think I just lost the point of this post. It went from how I live, purposes in life, doomed people, and finally to a new phrase in which I have put belief in. /fail //shot xD

Anyways~ life is annoying. and yet life it is beautiful too. it can be fun. it can be boring. it doesn't always go your way~, but sometimes it does. every person deserves to live.
...now don't get technical on me, and be all like "oh~ but what about osama? or hitler? or ...w.e. other "bad" people that existed?" (lol xD i cant remember many). Well...I don't know about those people.
I don't know about the subject of them very well...so I can't put up an argument on anything (whether I think they deserve to live or not).
some people love osama others dont and same for hitler. All I can say is that they were just two other people who made some...what i think to be, mean/bad/cruel/terrible decisions in their life that pissed many people off.
and in life, you shouldn't piss people off. it's not nice :3. (unless those people are: marina ismail, yammy, orochimaru, or nena trinity :P)

erm- ...^ ^;; I don't know how to end this. LOL. um...

Thanks for breathing :)
Keep it up!

^LOL That's what I told Pari-chan on Christmas xDD.
It's my way of saying "Thank you for being alive" :3

ps. this is all opinion~~ gosh i feel like people are gonna slaughter me for talking about such a touchy topic xP idk why :3 i just predict complaints about my views ^ ^;

Life. Is. Stupid.

You know what sucks?
Getting sick right before the major test you have been studying your bum off for.

You know what also sucks?
Is having a job that you know pays too little, but because your inexperienced people won't pay you higher.

And you know what sucks more than that?
Is that the girl you were told to tutor RUNS AWAY from you when you come to tutor her!!

Life can suck :P

and right now I'm too lazy to go into detail about these things. Maybe later.

Suicide...

My friend has been talking about doing suicide quite often these days....it scares me...a lot. (let's call him Kashu) It's hard for me to tell if he's joking or serious at times. I'm not sure what to do. I worry for him. He's my friend, of course I worry about him. I desperately want to help him, but what am I supposed to say or do in this kind of scenario? At first my friends and I took it as him joking. I mean people exaggerates about this kind of thing sometimes. Trying to cheer him up thinking he was just a little bit sad, we said things like "Why? Suicide is obviously bad. Oh, but I once read a quote that went something like "Suicide is like telling god, 'You can't fire me! I quite!'". We all laughed at it, even Kashu-kun. It was quite funny at the time, since the quote is rather amusing. However, Kashu-kun has brought it up a couple of times now... He's always saying things like "I just want to end my life now." or "I'm seriously thinking about suicide!" Of course he tries to say it in a joking matter, so no one gets upset or begins to fret over it, but sometimes I just...I don't know. Something is troubling him...and that troubles me. Sigh~ I swear I worry too much. I'm gonna gain wrinkles this way xP. I think I'm over reacting a bit, but...you never know what people are truly feeling.
Anyways, from what I have been told, Kashu-kun's mom has a lot of expectations for him about school. Him and I are both in the honors class, so we are expected to get good grades and study hard. From what Kashu-kun has said, his mom really expects him to get 100s on every single test (which is very difficult since we're learning things a couple grades higher than we're supposed to), and has him study 'till the night's end. We all have expectations put upon us, but Kashu-kun's mom seems scary from what I've heard ^ ^;;. Exaggerations Kashu-kun might have made, but still, I feel kind of bad for him. I've talked to my dad about this problem (yesh, I share this kind of stuff w/ my parent ^ ^;;), and he's said that Kashu-kun is getting the feeling of expectations and parental pressure mixed up (or something like that...). My dad explained that expectations are like responsibilities that you have to try and full fill (or at least I think that's what he meant). I mean parents will be parents right? It's normal for them to want their child to do well, some more than others.
Hmm...this doesn't seem like much of a reason to seriously cause you to think of suicide. But nerds have it rough ^ ^;; ...
Nonetheless, Kashu-kun should realize the consequence of suicide, and stop joking about it. Sure, some people think that suicide is the easy way out, and everything just ends there. Sigh~ but it doesn't. Think about it, your parents have like, what?, 30-ish years left? You going to let them suffer for those 30 years, just so that you didn't? Quite a cowardly thing suicide is.
Life only gets worse before it gets better. That doesn't make much sense...but trust me. You just have to wait a bit. Good things come to those who wait.
I wonder...how I can help Kashu-kun...

Bleh :V gosh, this is too depressing. It's quite different from what I usually write about. Kashu-kun has just been worrying me a bit for a few days now...
Here's a website that kind of makes fun of the topic of suicide, but it does point out some good things: the ten minute suicide guide
you should read it if you're thinking about suicide...or if you just want a good laugh :3

...i dont think i made much sense in this entry today o.o ....but this is what i know and how i feel, so whatever ;P

Sleepy =.=

Today I was so sleepy during class > <
Good thing we were watching a movie or else I would've been in sooo much trouble! TT^TT I go to sleep early, but how come I can never stay awake?!  Sigh~ I haven't really been in the "learning" mood lately. All the chaos and drama in school has been getting to my head lately. I just feel so out of it. Plus, it seems to be getting harder and harder to talk to my friends lately. My futile crush hasn't been working out lately either... I don't get to see him that often anymore, so I'm really sad about that. TT^TT My tutoring classes have ended too, so I only get to see him on Tuesdays and Fridays! ...Sigh~ it's like Tamaki's problem with Haruhi. He only got to spend club time with the person he liked too. (I'm talking about something from ouran high school host club anime). Except I can't barge into his class and take him away like Tamaki would for Haruhi xD. I don't think my status with my crush will change anyways, so I guess there's no point in trying anymore...but I will not give up! It's not progressing because I'm just not trying hard enough! Yeah! I can't wait for Friday tomorrow! Hee hee hee ^ ^ I'm going to try my best :D So wish me luck. Gotta go to bed now so tomorrow can come faster.

^ ^ goodnight~