Sorry. Sorry for being such an idiot ;____;

sigh... ;____________; I'm. A. Terrible. Person.
So. Much. Damn. Guilt. Has. Collected. And. I. Am. Such. A. Douche. D':
This. God. Damn. Rain. Fits. My. Mood. So. Damn. Well.
Damn. You. God. Forsaken. Rain. !!! .
*sob sob sniffle sniffle* TT^TT. I. Am. A. Terrible. Person.

;_____; I'm so sorry. I should have realized it sooner. I'ma total bitch.
I ... I.... wahhhh~ *breaks down crying* I'msosorrycouldyoueversforgivemeplease??? No... I'm not worthy of your humble pity TT____TT. I don't deserve someone so nice as you. I'm like the worthless dirt beneath your feet. the bothersome pebble in your shoe. the itchy sweater that you just wanna throw out. Even if you are willing to forgive me (and you're so kind, you probably will), I won't accept your forgiveness. I won't accept you forgiveness until I fix this. I can't accept the state I have caused you to be in. I can't accept that I have been such a pain in the ass. I can't accept that I have done and been everything that I hate.

But I have realized my mistakes and issues and the many many problems I have caused. I have realized that I have betrayed my own beliefs without fully realizing it until now. You should and will come first. Do not worry anymore. I thought I was doing all I can to bring you happiness, but due to my blind stupidity I have realized that I have been doing the opposite. And to make matters worse, I have been taking and gaining more than I have been giving. This unequal balance is not right.

I shall fix this.

I think things will backfire. Backfire towards me. But that is okay. I am willing to do this ! :'). And maybe, fate will be kind, and good things will happen for the both of us. I hope it's a win, win situation.

er- this is probably confusing to those who are reading, but this is a private matter in which I cannot share too much about. I just need to vent my apologizes to my friend.

I need to seriously fix this. And I will.

I'll make things right because I have made the wrong moves.
I hate it when I do that. This is why I can't play chess or battleship or even connect 4 !! I'm bad at planning, strategizing, and any brain involving activities. Everything always ends up bad. bad. bad. Nobody every knows because I'm just too damn good at hiding it. That's the problem with me. I don't like sharing my problems. But now I have. Sharing really helped me. She/he/it told me their opinion, and now I know what I must do.

Let's hope that whatever happens won't be a mistake like all the other things in my life.

@irl friends: don't worry. I have not reached some terrible depressed state in my life, so please don't bug me about this at school. don't ask me who it is and don't assume i'm referring to you because you will never be sure and i will never tell you who I am talking about here in this blog post :|

I Can't Believe What Just Happened

I don't know if I just made the largest mistake of my life or the right one...

Earlier, I was chatting with K., and things were going really well (if you minus out the awkward nervousness I felt the entire time ^ ^;; when I'm talking with him, I always choke on my words.)

Well anyways..things got real awkward

and I think he actually confessed that he liked me.

But it was all too unreal for me to realize what was going on. I ended up saying stupid stuff, that probably hurt his feelings, and he left our chat.

A few minutes later, he sends me an email saying he would like to start over from the beginning.

...but I told him I couldn't just start over,

and I actually told him that I liked him as well.

except...I said nothing would happen between us romantically because I'm not allowed to date. :(

And in the email, I asked if we could just stay friends, but I don't think that's possible.

and ...I'm not sure if he'll ever be want to talk to me again.

He hasn't replied back yet (mostly because I just sent the email)

Our "love" story ended badly...

And...and...

TT^TT I'M SUCH AN IDIOT!!!

I NEVER THOUGHT THINGS WOULD TURN OUT THIS WAY!!! TT^TT

WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?!?!

I MESSED UP!!! TT~TT

I FEEL TERRIBLE!!!!! D':

>~< it seems almost impossible to fix things now.

and I wonder if he's reading this now ^ ^;;. He somehow found my blog, and started reading it >.> ... Which was a terrible turn of events >~<.

So back to what I said in the beginning. Do you think it was wrong and a big mistake to tell K. that I can't be more then friends with him, or do you think it was the right decision to not go behind my dad's back and start dating my crush?