Wednesday, August 6, 2014

This Blog Just Isn't Me

I'm sitting at my desk right now. Awake at 3 a.m. In front of me: my savings wallet with $41, a green colored calculator, and an SAT prep book. The SAT book large and heavy, won't stop weighing me down. It stares at me as I write this post. I feel guilty, but I'll keep going. My savings wallet feeling cold from all its insides being gutted out from the hangouts and dates and sprees. The calculator? There not for the studying. Instead, for the small "business" I got up; adding up prices and profits.This is my life right now.

It's different. I'm different.

It's those late night (early morning?) thoughts that make you see things. See that I'm not the same person I was before. This blog only reminds me of what is past. The past where I was a little less grown, a bit younger, ripe in the bud. It's been a few years since I was blogging seriously. But a few years is plenty enough time to change you. The difference between then and now, I can't say how big it is. But...

I'm ready to move on. I've already moved on.
(I even have a new nickname ha...)

No longer Emiko. But Gimli. But Quymbee.
No longer 13. But 16. But scared to be 18. 
Not the happy-go-lucky girl who wanted everyone to like her and used laughter to cover the problems.
But now the girl with emotions, who doesn't give a shiet what you say, and thoughts.
But also a girl who every now and then feels doubt, in the world, in herself.

I've decided to start a new blog. a fresh start.
^This is it.

I think the title sounds hecka cool. Moment I saw it (on Tumblr as someone's description), it just felt right.
But it also just makes me sound like an angsty teen wanting to find her place. (which is kind of true...).
But it's my title, so I don't care what's said 'bout it.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

you know.... i kinda miss the days without League of Legends and without a boyfriend -- where all I did was watch movies and homework all day. I was SO much more productive. lol.

but at the same time, I like my life now too.... so i don't know about this feeling of nostalgia toward my old self... i just don't know. hm.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Everything is Better Now! Yipee!

I should've updated about this sooner. lol.
BUT WE ARE GOOD NOW. like for a week now. XD
I'm still upset that he didn't come see me on my anniversary. But like, the day has passed, and so will the anger.

However, if he doesn't bring me flowers the next time he comes over to my house, I'ma kill him. LOL.

Anyways, cute conversation of the night:

me: good night. I love you c:
him: I love you more! more than bacon and eggs!
him: well maybe not, but pretty much on the same level!
me: GOOD. because I thought you were going insane.
him: XD good night

lol. yea, we're that kind of couple... XD
the only thing we fight over on a daily basis is food.

(pssst. but here's the secret. he totes loves me more than bacon and eggs. LOL)

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Huzzah to Crappy Anniversaries *insert sad smile and shoulder shrug

Last night was probably the worst night out of my sixteen years of living. I'm not even being dramatic. Lol I'm a pretty happy person, so I have actually never really had a bad night. I feel like if there were gods, I had just got my ass smited. It was as if the fates set me on that path, and I tried everything to think it was otherwise.

My friend was going to see her boyfriend Friday, but it ended up going pretty badly for her because she was unable to go. She was looking forward to the day for the whole week; her excitement building up and growing. Only for that excitement to collapse all around her into bitter sadness, as he caused for her to not go. She tried to talk to me about it, but I couldn't see the point of being so upset. I think I was kind of harsh even because to be honest, I found it to be irrational. I didn't understand.

Somewhat coincidentally, I was seeing my boyfriend Saturday (today) as I stated earlier it's our anniversary today. However... last night, he tells me "Hey, I didn't start my homework. Can't go tomorrow". Just thinking of it infuriates me!  Who the hell goes on a skii trip for three days, play League of Legends the next few days, and then goes to a late night church party, but has the audacity to casually be like 'oh, i can't go to see you on our anniversary because i have bad organization and planning'. Bam. I was smited. It's like karma for not treating my friend with more sincerity ;A;. I planned for two weeks and got all excited. I feel like a fool. I started to cry the moment he started telling me he couldn't go. I had this bitter feeling he wouldn't before, but I wanted to have faith he would come. I feel like with his 'bad planning' he never really planned on going anyways or at least didn't place as much importance on it. I don't know, I'm sixteen and wild. I couldn't really believe I'd stick with ONE guy for a whole year. I mean especially having a family where my aunt tells me things like "Dat a boy for the school year, dump him in the summer to have some free time, and get a new boyfriend next school year" or my dad who tells me about his many girlfriends in high school. So for me, liking a guy for a whole year straight is a pretty big deal. I think I really love this boy or as close as teenage emotions can get to love! So my excitement crashed around me into bitter sadness as well. smited.

Now I'm watching chick flicks and wandering why I'm so damn loyal to this boy.
boys are stupid. i feel stupid. this is stupid.

It was a really bad night. I kind of wanted to break up with him right then and there. I've been kind of wanting to for a few days now. Thinking my feelings aren't enough to power this relationship. My actions are strong. His are half baked; feeling like he treats as a "close" friend but not a girlfriend.
I wouldn't say we fought. We're mature enough to talk it out. He calls for a break. It was like he didn't even wanted to fight to keep me. Flat out "Let's take a break" using the excuse that he wants best for me and whatnot.

I feel that... the reason this feels tough on me is that it's kind of happened to me before... kind of... in a vague sense. Boy I like rejects me on Valentine's day. LOL. life. I don't know, I'm actually still really good friends with said boy XD. Besides that though, now as it afternoon/evening (when all this BS break stuff happened at like 2 in the morning), he tells me he doesn't want a break. what is wrong with boys? T^T. I told him I wanted a break now >:T
I don't know. Maybe a few days without each other, we can learn to appreciate each other again?
He initially said a week, I changed it to two days with the recent decision of him not wanting it. LOL. two days can work? ;w;. I don't know, I don't want a break but my woman instincts tell me it's needed :c I don't know. I just don't want him to think he can easily just run back to me Dx because then this problem will just happen again.

I feel like I will either get bitter or my "cool" won't last and just love him more x___x;;.

-why do i post these personal things-

Friday, February 21, 2014

Update On... Well, My Life!

Haven't posted in eons. Lots to share. So here I go!

Extra Curricular Life
I've been mostly spending my time with my new blog JTUD (Journey To the Unknown Destination). Please read and go check it out! :D I'm working really hard! lol
I have to say, working with my mentor is really exciting! I get to work at a place called the FlatIron School. It's a really awesome place!  My mentor, Sara J Chipps, is really nice and awesome! (subscribe to her KittieBots!! ) She also introduces me to her coworkers, and they're awesome too. lool. Everything there is really cool. They have funky chairs and white-board tables and giant computers and projectors.
The Subway next door is my savior because I always find myself rushing out the door to get to the place (it's an hour travel time haha). However, I tried going to someplace across the street today. It was super yummy and the service was nice too! ...except, I think the server tried hitting on me LOL. (cuz I'm just so beautiful. Just kidding! XD hahaa...). Then on my way back to the building, this pamphlet distributor guy came up to me, and was like "Do you wanna tour the statue of liberty" and I'm like "No thank you". Then he wouldn't leave me alone LOL Started asking me if I worked around the area, and I really didn't want to explain my whole mentor-apprenticeship thing. It's really none of his business anyway LOL so I just said "Yeaa.....(lets go with that lol)". Then he asked me out to lunch. ((THE SINGLE BE THIRSTY. LOL. I told my single friend that, and he got upset with me XD. idk. I'm sorry)) I kindly declined the pamphlet guy, and ran into my building. hahaa....... is it just me, or is it really uncomfortable to be hit on? Not trying to show off or anything, but idk I'm young and it makes me nervous Dx. Anyways, my Intel project is going really well! Meeting all these different kinds of people and having the experience of these travels are amazing. The freedom ;w;. The hopes of the future. The memories.

Current Love Life
This Saturday (Feb 22) is my one year anniversary with my boyfriend!!
We're just going to hang out at my house and watch movies :)
I really do love him ^____^ or whatever you want to call this warm, fuzzy feeling in me that makes me just wanna run through a field of flowers screaming for joy.
I mean it does get rough between us (I mean it has been a year after all). We just get sick of each other sometimes, but we usually figure it out in the end :)
He's really the best! Deals with all my female moody troubles and loves me despite all flaws. He doesn't try to fix me, and that's what I love the most. (lol... well, he is a super tryhard in the fixing dept. when it comes to League of Legends though.... but boys will be boys XD). I mean there are things I like and don't like, but that's normal in everyone. My biggest problem is always thinking I'm not good enough. I don't know. Despite how confident I am, whenever it comes to opening myself up, I'm scared the one I love won't accept what's inside :c ...yea, deep stuff, but... it's how I feel.
On a more happier note, haha, I'm reallyyy excited to see him Saturday! It's mid-winter break right now, so I haven't seen him in FOREVER (*cough. cue in that one person to say "it's only been 7 days..."). Honestly, I'm just so addicted to the happiness he brings me that even a weekend apart makes me die from missing him. ♥

School Life
LOL. Like I don't even want to talk about this. I'm doing pretty okay, I guess. My only grade in the 80s is AP Human Geography (but that's because I have the crappiest memory in this world), but it's only like an 88-89ish. just need that 0.5 on my 89 to get that 90 ;w; plsplspls.On my midtermss, I think someone replaced my brain for the whole midterms week because all of them were in the 80s. I don't know why, but when it comes to test, my brain shuts off and gets substituted by a dummy. EXCEPT MY ENGLISH WAS A 98. omg. English is just my favorite most loved subject in the world ♥♥♥.

I feel like I'm going to die in Junior year. I'm hoping to take AP Java, AP US history, AP Psychology, and Intel.

Life in General
I feel poor .___.
Spending money to take train to mentor. Spending money to buy clothes (i think i hav an addiction). Spending money to buy birthday gifts. Spending money to buy food. Spending money on cake (i totes hav an addiction). Spending money on things I want in general.
Money is too big of a part in life LOL.

I'm facing fashion bipolar-ness. I can't choose between punky tomboy or cutie-pie girly as my style. I find myself constantly switching between the two. what is identity? what is style? LOL. My ripped jeans and rockin' black vest or my pink glasses and lace-y shirts. Haha #TeenageGirl.

I LEARNED TO CROCHET. it's so amazing. I make hats. I make scarves as gifts. I make couple scarves for my love and I. ♥ It's such a fun hobby. IM SO SAD THOUGH. I found this perfect yarn store. And as I finally found her, turns out, she's going out of business by the end of this February. fate is cruel ;A;. I bought like a pound of yarn for $10. that's amazing.

LoL - Romanov and Sasha


I'm Sasha. Boyfriend is Romanov.
hardcore game roleplay. XD

idk.... XD i feel stupid. lol.

League of Legends is killing my time. haha.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

The Programming World Greets Me

So, after years and years of my dad trying to convince me to start programming, I've finally decided to start. He's a computer programmer for a living, and sees immense benefit for me to start getting into it. mainly the positive factors being the numerous new opportunities it provides and undiscovered regions it contains.

I'm learning C# so far. The "C# Fundamentals: Development for Absolute Beginners" on Microsoft Virtual Academy is really helping me get there. haha. Easy step-by-step from the ground up videos beautifully set up for the public to watch. I love the internet! XD Hoping to later begin to learn basic application building from there.

This is something I'm really serious about doing though! Haha, unlike before when I said I'd inspiringly learn the piano or violin or something like that. I'm one hard to motivate. xD //shhh. The determination is set because I'm taking a class basically for Intel STS at my school (the class is called Physical Science Research, but we hopefully lead into Intel. lol).

I haven't been blogging much, but maybe I'll start talking about my programming travels. haha.

So far, I've started on the first two videos of the C# Fundamentals (hopefully I'll get done with more tonight though >3<...). AND IT'S SO FRUSTTRATING. LOL. The second video starts to actually begin the coding stuff of C#, by teaching to first work with the Notepad to make "Hello World" pop up. I followed everything the guy said, and it didn't work for some reason. I don't know why, and I became enraged. I'm going to try until it works! My dad tried to make me feel better by saying using Notepad is harder than using an actual program thing (don't know terms yet, so I'll be saying "thing" a lot in the beginning xD...). BUT I DONT CARE. If someone else can do it, I want to as well! lol plus, school computers have Notepad, so I want to be able to figure it out. I have access to a computer during like three periods of the day. haha. Not only am I taking a Physical Science Research course, but a computer science one as well. (and chemistry. why the fawk am I taking three sciences as a sophomore? idk. I'm crazy lol). Anyways, tonight I'm going to try again.

I tried doing it on the Visual Studio (this program thing from Microsoft) as well, but it turned out I got the web edition when I was supposed to get the desktop version. (ehehh ^^;;). so I got frustrated with that too, and didn't make much progress. LOL I thought I was just dumb, and programming didn't like me because I couldn't make it do the simplest thing of saying "Hello World". sigh.

I'm going to figure it out tonight, and post some more ;w;. because I want it to say Hello to meeeee.
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